Letter to a stranger

Hey you, yes you sitting on the sidewalk with your half-broken sneakers and mud-stained face. What are you staring at? What has captured your attention so much you look half-dazed half-awake with your eyes opened? How does it feel to sit on the floor, hands out, begging for money every day of your life? I often wonder as I walk by you, if you understood the definition of “dignity”, or if perhaps in the dictionary of your life, such a word never existed, doesn’t exist, and never will? What does it feel to have your pleas for some coins completely ignored, or have passersby move that one little inch away, a small yet obvious act of rejection and clear intent of avoidance? Are you stoned to the looks of disgust thrown your way by people who cannot understand your lack of effort to live a better life, or have you just hardened your broken heart because some previous event has smashed it to bits you are now just held by the glue of trying to live day-to-day?

Don’t look away stranger, I see you, sitting at that café day after day, always dressed to the nines in your elegant boots and damn fine trench, your make up always perfect, like your gaze, a frozen lake on a midwinter night. Yet something about the flawlessness of your posture and gestures seems to hang a hammer over you, as if you were about to crack under the slightest bit of pressure. What is it that I can’t seem to identify in you, that makes me return over and over again to decipher the puzzle my eyes just saw? That’s it, I know now, its this impeccably stunning air of sadness that surrounds your, so dark that it seems to be glowing, as if it were emanating from your very presence. Your large sorrowful eyes, doleful and all-knowing, which throw side glances every once in a while, as if you were watchful of a potential stalker, yet no one ever comes up to you, except for the waiter, who cannot avert your beauty, but at the same time looks terrified of you. What is it that draws my attention, and so many others, that lures but repels, that loosens then tightens, that simply cannot be defined?

How about you then stranger? The guy whose blog I read once in a while, but pictures show a lot more about himself than words ever would. I love those bright light-saturated photos, taken off a street in Paris, New York, or even Korea. The styles of the people you encapsulate in your lenses vary to such extents there is no way to categorize them. But each of them has a light-heartedness that is part self-confidence and part whimsicalness. The pictures inspire me, but not so much in the sense of taking professional pictures, but more to put things into pictures through black and white words that spill from my imagination and observations of life.

There are a thousand strangers I would love to talk to or just write a letter to, but today just three. I’ll speak to you again.

Back as a typical Singaporean

Wow… after close to 10 months here, I’m about to fly home to Singapore for my vacation. It feels surreal, yet at the same time I already know what Im going to do every day for the next few weeks – everything is planned, slotted into my agenda, flawless and impeccable, just like a typical Singaporean, as if I had never left.

I barely make plans more than a week ahead here in Buenos Aires, but like a true, busy, efficient Singapore girl, I know how important time is to everyone else on the island nation, so a month before flying off, I had done all my prep work and sent out emails asking my friends when they would be free to meet up. It’s amazing how easily I slip back into SG-mode, even after being so accustomed to life here in BA. It’s as easy as flipping the switch on and off the sleep mode for your iPhone.

Knowing I’m going home to visit, but also knowing that I will be back in BA in a few weeks, is like having two homes that you love equally, and now I get to be with both.

Am so terribly excited to see all my friends, my family, give them their gifts, tell them exotic Latin American stories of fiestas and chicos lindos, and to hear all the updates in their lives and in Singapore over the past 10 months. I am wondering how I’m going to react to being back home and witnessing the change in the landscape (particularly the view of Marina Bay and the newly-sprouted buildings and Integrated Resorts, and bitching about life in our very broken English and Singlish, and delighting in our heavenly local cuisine.

I have also made plans for a holiday from my holiday – so it won’t feel as if my vacation is spent only at home in Singapore – and for the Chinese New Year weekend, my family and I will be headed to Hong Kong! YES! Hong Kong! after the long 1-year hiatus since I last went there (to eat and eat and shop, duh! what else? Especially since that is the way the HK tourism board markets its country).

So many thoughts and plans – almost couldn’t sleep the last two nights thinking about returning to SG, meeting my friends and aunties with their newborn angels, and just catching up on the time that has passed us by. Oh yes, and did I mention that my new domestic helper Fitri also has massaging abilities??? I sure didn’t see that in her CV!! YAY!

Am so glad to be flying back. More tales soon.

xoxo.

Holiday season-correlated homesickness.

I was writing a Christmas card for my family when I started feeling the onset of homesickness, combined with a not-so-fantastic day at work. It’s one of those days when u feel like u need to be at home most, but everyone’s busy doing their own thing.

Some tears did a bit of good – guess I’m slighty better now. I do miss home alot still though.

More visitors in town…soon!

My mum called last night, on my phone… and lo and behold, it was not just the regular “How are you?” call, but more like “Aunty & Uncle will be in BA next month, tell me if there are any things you want them to bring over for you!”

This reminded me of the last time i prepared of list of items for my mum to bring over for me when my parents and siblings visited at end July. Now that I look back, its been almost 4 months since they left (also the same amount of time since I started working here). Amazing how the year does a little tumble and carries you in its cartwheel and before you get over the giddiness and random rollabouts, you reached the end of the period you kept thinking had just begun.

My aunt and uncle are going to be here with a tour group covering Brazil, Argentina maybe some other parts of Latin America. And this week and next, Jace will be here in Buenos for her holiday, as well as to attend her good friends’ wedding party. Sin yee’s friend is also in town taking a break from work… and lo and behold, suddenly you think it might make some sense for the Singapore Ministry of Foreign Affairs to establish an embassy here! (And of cos for the Argentines to do the same in Singapore! This will save people the trouble of having to travel all the way to Jakarta to get a visa done!)

Am excited about their visits, as I always am about any other visitors. And with the Christmas festive season coming round the corner… I am dreaming of Christmas trees with beautiful decorations and brilliant stars, with the bottom of the trees crammed with quaint little presents.

I can’t wait! I love the end of the year

Home, on the other side of the world..

No matter how much I enjoy being overseas, in a different environment, meeting a thousand different people, home is still always close to my heart. Although sometimes I dont seem to show it, and I don’t call home so often, I think about home almost everyday.

I miss coming home to my own room, with the tall high wooden roof, and the swaying palm trees towering outside my balcony. I miss the smell of fresh sheets and the flower-patterned bedspread and comforter, that I wrap around myself whenver the aircon gets too cold. I miss the large spacious cupboard I had to put all my overflowing clothes (that I can’t seem to stop collecting) and I miss the personal room space I had all to myself.

I miss the first floor of my house, and the outdoor seats in the patio, where I would sit and eat my lunch before browsing through the newspapers or a novel before dozing off in the warm afternoon breeze, the sounds of the fountain a background lullaby. I miss how I would smell the fresh garden scents after a shower of rain, bringing my sense of smell to a heightened ascent.

I miss having my family close by, even if we did not do many things together. Just knowing Valerie is on the same floor and that Ron and my parents are downstairs is such a nice feeling, espeically now that they are 30 hours by plane away. I miss little things like driving Ron to his Tengah Air Base, althougth I would complain the entire journey there, but it was still fun, and the memories of us trying to figure out how to stop the back wiper from workng is just as hilarious today as it ever was.

Then I also yearn for things as insignificant as food. Things I never thought I would miss as much as I do now, such as chilli, the peanuts that go with the chilli in those fancy Chinese restaurants like Tung Lok, and the steamed fish, and chilli crab, and cereal covered prawns, and all kinds of chinese herbal soups. The thought of hawker dishes like black and white carrot cake, chicken rice, fried kway teow makes me salivate, and it is difficult knowing I have to wait a few months before I can eat them again. I miss the random walks to Siglap, heading to Pasta Fresca or Megumi with Ron and Val, and then starbucks at some odd hour of the night. I miss Chinese New Year and its goodies, and the festivities that come along as well.

I miss chilling out with my friends and cousins, and aunties, going to Sunday service with them, and then feasting at Taka’s Crystal Jade Palace with dim sum in abundance. I miss riding the bike in East Coast, smelling the salty sea breeze blowing in my hair as I marvel at the horizon and see the night lights come alive. I miss the long chats with Jinhua and Syl, in their mazda 6s, one black and one white. I miss those long telephone calls with them, in the middle of the night, knowing they are near.

I miss home, and the things taht makes Singapore home. The people most importantly, and I can’t wait to see them again.

The little things that make me happy (2)

1. Listening to Pheonix on grooveshark to relax after a busy morning of cramming reports into my head
2. Knowing that Spring is here and the sun shines a minute more each day
3. Waiting for the long weekend and looking forward to taking a break in Rosario, the first holiday since I started work again
4. Reading a mail from my friend asking me to be her bridesmaid, and even though I know I most probably can’t, it still made me smile
5. The Korean instant noodles waiting in the bag SY gave me, SOS help whenever I miss Asian food and want to be reminded of home sweet home
6. Receiving a lovely SMS from my aunt telling me she misses me, and hopes things are well
7. Biking down Libertador Avenue all the way to Retiro, seeing Buenos Aires in a different way
8. Chatting on skype with my best friends in the world, no matter how far away they are
9. Discount shopping, which gives me greater purchasing power
10. Picking up the phone to call my family, or a friend, and breaking into a smile when I hear their familiar voices and translated smiles
11. Thinking about CNY back home, eating homemade pineapple tarts brought by my mum
12. Cooking Chinese food– yes, it is actually therapeutic, and the smell of chicken rice steaming in the rick cooker almost makes me believe I am back in Singapore
13. Spanish classes with Veronica, one of the nicest and sincerest Argentines I have met since arriving 6 months ago
14. Arriving at work and having my morning chat with colleagues, before starting a relatively peaceful day
15. Reading reports on Singapore and feeling I know much more about my homeland now than ever before
16. Discussing holiday plans, and the arrival of a cousin’s birth
17. Writing, about anything in particular. It is my theraphy.

So many little things that make me happy. Life is good : )

Feliz Primavera!

Can’t remember the last time I sat down and wrote! It’s Spring already!!

The last month flew by with my time spent majorly on working, sleeping, eating and then working some more. Finally a Friday when I get home early enough before dinner and awake enough to want to pen down some thoughts.. and maybe update those of you who read this page.

I’ve been working hard at my new job, and surprisingly not because I’m forced to, but because I want to. Getting into the office before 9am, and sometimes leaving after 9pm. Man, I don’t even remember being this much of a workerbee in workaholic Singapore! But the job is a great start for me, because honestly I’ve learnt so much in the last two months (well, of course the learning curve is always steepest at the start), but other than that, I find myself actually being less afraid of models (not catwalk models duh! its excel spreadsheet models!) and more able understand a balance sheet and income statement without shrinking back in absolute horror of the mere quantity of numbers.

In some way, this job combines what I need to know to analyze stocks (and eventually invest in them myself) with a similar scope to what I did during my rotation with Tai & Alvin in Global Research. I read so many articles, scan the net leaving no page unturned, until I manage to get a good idea of an exchange enough to be able to comment and state my view on it. I’m starting to enjoy the stock exchange industry better, getting a grasp of an industry I never even thought about just a mere 3 months ago.

I’m also learning everyday how to manage relations between colleagues who absolutely don’t speak to each other. I find out more about them everyday; what pisses them off, what makes them feel good, and how to manage situations. I realise some people are very needy for attention and ego-boosting. Their competitiveness makes them incredibly intolerable but at the same time you can’t do without them, especially if they are senior in their position, and also intelligent. Then there are others who are extremely helpful and polite, and are willing to go the distance with you. Two types of very different people, in a very small company.

I like my work, I’m getting more settled in the company, and life in general. But I don’t want to feel so tired everyday. I want to come home energized and refreshed and be able to do all the other things I dont get to do during the week, not sleep my whole weekend away! Guess its going to be a matter of adjustment before I start rescheduling my time and making more time for myself. I miss my family alot too, and whenever I walk along the streets of Santa Fe, or Callao, and pass by the Petít Colon cafe at Tribunales, or the French design building Ronald loved so much when he was here, I miss them even more. I’m reminded of the time we spent in Calafate, in la Boca, in Recoleta, Calle Corrientes, Puerto Madero. And how much fun we had.

Not sure when I’ll be able to take leave to head back to sunny Singapore. But at least for now Winter is over and Spring is finally here! Off with the woolen jackets and leather boots, and hello sleeveless tops, shorts and bikinis!!!

Friendship…. you find it in the weirdest corners

A long time ago, I used to think that as you grow older, and graduate from student to working adult, your pool of friends can only start to diminish, until is turns from a large ripple into a almost invisible drop of water.

But I realized that friendship is an incredibly amazing phenomenon – you find it when you least expect it; and you never know with whom you’re going to develop a friendship that defies time, distance and cultural differences. I’m a pretty sociable person, but I don’t get out and party too much – in order words, I make friends when doing the most normal things (like attending Spanish classes, at work, or simply by the rare opportunity of chance).

I’ve lived a pretty international life in the last 3 years, and following that lifestyle of travelling because of work, vacation and simply school, I’ve met people who inspire, have passion for things that you might never have imagined, and people who are really just rare jewels of kindness, goodness and love. In SCB, when we travelled to Chennai, India, for our 3-week long rotation, I got to know Feyi really well, despite her being my first African friend from Nigeria; despite the fact that I used to think blacks look fierce and a little too aggressive for my liking; and despite the fact that we rarely kept in touch before that. The last time I saw her was almost a year ago, but the beautiful character that she has made me always remember the strength of a person who had the courage to admit her mistakes and accept that she had done wrong; that she dared to ask for forgiveness, and know what was important to her. I admire her motivation and faith in wanting to be Nigeria’s next finance minister – an extremely ambitious ideal for any person just starting out. I appreciated her absolutely honest sincerity that made me slightly startled at the raw intensity of it all. But it was true, that in India, a place which left so many memories and invoked so many emotions, I found a true friend.

At work in SCB, back home in Singapore, I also made friends over time, with random people – colleagues on the floor, the secretaries and generally anyone who made the effort to chat for those few more minutes outside of work. There are some people that I really appreciate for making the first few months in a completely new office so much easier, and because of that, I am always grateful. From them I learnt the most important rules to stick by in the game of office politics, but also that work mates can be fun to hang out with; that it was crucial in whom you place your trust and confidence, because there were so many others who are ready to backstab you the minute they require to.

Then I came to Argentina and lo and behold, never did I expect to see another Singaporean so soon after leaving my homeland! Jace was here for the first month I was here – working of course, but we met up a couple of times and still keep in contact once in a while. And then SY, who I met because of our mutual friend – who has interesting ideas and a pretty crazy life – who I probably would not have met if we both remained in Singapore – and who constantly amazes me! She defies many social norms and expectations of Singapore lawyers, and it is refreshing while also quite hard to believe.

But of course, the friends that you’ve had since a thousand years ago and still keep in close contact are a rarity that always make me smile. I remember going for Mrs Chua’s tuition classes on Saturdays when I was in primary school; but first going to JH’s house for a yummilicious bee hoon lunch with her granny’s famous chilli. It was from those routine saturdays that we developed our friendship, which later led to yearly sleepovers (where we had to set the alarm at 12 am to have our midnight feast), then pen pal letters as we changed schools, but over time and difference in schools, we always stayed close, even though, I in Argentina, and she in Singapore, but going to London for her law exchange in just 2 days!

And Syl, who really helped me through a thousand things – crying in the middle of the night, driving over to see if I was ok, dinner at Pasta Fresca, shopping on random occasions, late night chats on the phone, and sleepovers. SMU was largely made up of the girls – and syl was one of those that really defined SMU life. Then there is Suzy, who by chance I met at Sports Camp in Uni year one, but only 2 years later got to know her better after our internship at Bloomberg. We don’t talk so often but when we do it’s always such a wonderful thing – and I can’t wait to see her little girl when she arrives! And Joyceee, who is going to get married next year – it’s amazing to see their lives bloom like that; some people are extraordinary and you know it’s such an honour to be part of their evolution.

There are also so many more that I have yet to write about, but it doesn’t mean their friendship isn’t worth mentioning. There are too many who have touched and impacted my lives, in littles ways and then big ones too. But most importantly I know at last that my hypothesis is no longer valid.

Your circle of friends will only get wider and wider – but that also depends on you.

What a difference a few months make

Almost one month since my last one-liner post. Many things have happened and in this hiatus of not penning down my thoughts, feelings and experiences, I have seen some very wonderful things and some changes in my life.

As mentioned, my family came to visit a couple of weeks ago. They were here just a short 2 weeks, but during this time, we had a family vacation all together after almost 5 years; they saw latin america, and more specifically Argentina, for the first time, and they loved it; we had fights and arguments, but also much laughter and more importantly fun together as a family that cares and truly loves each other. It was impossible to believe how fast the 13 days flew by and in a rare glimpse of time, they teleported back to hot, sunny, flooding Singapore.

During the last one month, I also started working here in Argentina. I now work in a small firm of stock analysts, (thankfully I work in English) and everyday I’m learning more and more. And each day I realise how much more I have to learn. But the miracle is that my colleagues are amazingly helpful and nice; at least I haven’t seen the politics that I was so well-prepared for in my former bank; at least I have a boss who is upfront and usually in a good mood; at least I don’t wonder all the time if my boss really is a hypocrite at heart; and they even pay for lunches – everyday! Yes, that also means you eat in and work at your desk literally from 9am-6pm; the only exercise that I get nowadays is the back and fro 100m walk from the subway station to my office.

I realised that my previous experience in SCB has shaped alot of the ways I do things; the way I treat my colleagues, the secretary, my boss, and also the way I am more keen on working hard at improving what I currently do. I don’t dread the late hours or coming in the earliest anymore; I don’t even mind eating at my desk during lunch when I used to complain when I even had to do it at all; and I don’t even mind that my salary has been greatly reduced because of the change in currency; which doesn’t keep up with inflation in a land of high living costs.

4 months ago, I quit my former job and bought my ticket to go halfway round the world, no job in store, income-less and friendless in this part of the world (ok, I did know J’s family and alot of his friends, but still it’s different when you actually have your own friends). I left my family and friends in southeast Asia and started a completely different phase of life. I found out that after a period of separation, there are some friends who no longer keep in touch; others only because of the easy facility of facebook, and then those others, the jems who make it a point to connect with you no matter what, to remember you when they buy something, just because they had you in mind. There were days I felt lonely, and suffered from a lack of personal space, yet lacked the confidence and security that Singapore offered to be able to venture out alone. Yet with necessity and time, I manouveured my way around Buenos Aires, brushed up my Spanish and even attained a level that allowed me to be my family’s tourguide around the city, without any external help. Now I’m working again, after a break of a couple of months, and I’m really enjoying it.

8 months ago, at the start of this year, I greeted 1st January 2010 with fireworks in Hong Kong, together with Val and Aunty Adeline’s family. It was a wonderful beginning stuffing ourselves with yummy cantonese dim sum and heavenly desserts. I was still floatingly rotating on my International Graduate program, and had no idea what I wanted to do for a living. Then I joined the Global Research desk, where I had a thoroughly enjoyable 2 months working with a team of people that I honestly respected and admired. I realized that work could actually be fulfilling. And that when I enjoyed my work, my bosses appreciated the output and insight I contributed. I had to some pretty tough decisions to make then, but I made them and they served me very well. I keep in touch with ex-colleagues from SCB and when they talk to me about work – telling me they can’t wait to leave and that so many of those that I started out with have already left – I think to myself, thank God I made the right choice and left; and that I didnt waste my last 4 months complaining about a situation I had the power to change. I still remember thinking that I had no idea what 2010 would bring me, and lo and behold, it is already the middle of August.

What a difference a short span of time makes, and what a difference honestly, when you dare to make the boldest and bravest decisions, because you never really know how much you gain unless you take the first step forward and try it. I’m sooo glad I did!

Missing home.

One of those days where I wish I was with my family; with my parents who nag at me about almost everyday, to whose loud voices I wake up to especially during the weekends; with my brother who bugs me about reading his blog, about looking at his later computer graphics and hand-drawn graffiti; with my sister who doesn’t really say much to me but I know feels so much, especially now that I am so far from home.

I miss the large empty space in my room that is mines and only mine; the high wooden roof that is so magically calming whenever I stare at it just before I close my eyes to sleep; the large swaying palm trees outside my house that wake me up with their mystical side-to-side dance; the knowledge that I will be able to get my point across because I am speaking in my beloved English, and not a foreign language whose formats and structures I am only beginning to grasp. I miss the smell of my house, which now I have forgotten, and I miss it not because it smells of perfume or some nice scent, but because it is familiar and reminds me I am home. The mixture of garlic in simmering hot oil, the fragrant aroma of Shah busy cooking dinner in the kitchen, the three storeys of stairs I have to climb up and down everyday to get to and from my room. I miss the freedom of space I have in my house, where the large patio lures you attractively to sit on the outdoor sofa by the fountain with Japanese Koi merrily swimming in their water world, to breath in the freshness of a garden next to you, to enjoy the wind caressing your face as you lay legs outstretched and deeply engrossed in a good old-fashioned remedy of great literature.

I miss returning home and seeing Aunty Catherine and my mum perched on the edged of my mum’s bed, lost in an excruciatingly long and seemingly never-ending Korea drama all about mother-in-laws and how they ill-treat their daughter-in-laws. I miss seeing my mum working hard at her sudoku challenge book #3 and ticking the exercises she got right. I miss waking up and realizing my father has been at his computer for the last few minutes checking his capital gains from the stock market’s movements. I miss Aunty Catherine and her thousand and one comments about everything under the sun, and her showing off a new top or skirt that she had bought at an indecent discount. I even miss Shah, and her funny questions like “Felicia, how come today so early?”

I have gotten used to another routine, living with another family I have to be accustomed to the differences in culture and traditions, which is perfectly fine for me. I have always been one to adjust pretty easily to new situations, maybe not totally integrating into everything immediately, but at least to be able to settle in without much difficulty; just a bit more effort on my side to be neater, help out more with household chores, to be quicker when taking a shower, to wash my clothes every few days instead of everyday as I was used to at home. Thankfully the weather here permits not washing the clothes everytime you use them; but still it is small things like these that require getting used it; they make up everything that defines your daily routine; like what you eat for breakfast, where you sit at the dinner table, if there is even a habit of eating dinner together; tiny details like how the bed is made; how the toilet smells different because of special toilet scents sprayed every 15 minutes, they all make up such a large difference.

Especially missing my friends, and relatives, with whom I used to spend so much time with; Aunty Adeline, Shawn and their family, my grandparents who always ask me if I miss them and to come and spend sometime together, either shopping or having dinner at their house. I miss being sure enough of the environment and language to be able to move around the city freely on my own; to have the security that I can bring my credit cards and a ton of cash around and feel safe knowing there is low probability that I will be robbed or pickpocketed. I miss the efficient public transport that is almost always working and definitely always clean. I miss the shopping centres which are enormously huge and have everything you could possibly need in them. I like the luxury of choosing which area I want to go to shop in, where I want to walk, how I’d like to dress without having weird men on the streets calling me “Chinita” because they are bored, although now that doesn’t bother me at all.

I miss speaking in Singlish! Can’t believe it but it’s true. l hear so much Spanish everyday, and yes I still speak in English sometimes, but I love it when I call home and Ronald picks up the phone and I lapse into great lengths of battered Singlish, my mind trying to reconnect the dots and remind me where to tag the “la”s and the “lor”s. I love calling my grandparents and hear the light in my granny’s voice when she recognizes my voice. I love her silly questions such as whether I am getting fat here from eating meat all the time. And I miss my grandfather giving me advice over how to keep warm and prepare for winter. I miss them. I miss my family and my friends. But I am happy here. But i still miss home!!