Life is a movie of countless frames

To direct: to point direction
Direction: position or manner to follow to reach destination
Destination: goal, aim, final place of intention

Co-director: Someone who directs a project together with another
Project: piece of work, art, fruit of a labour
Another: A person other than the original person, proof that human beings are sociable, not meant to live in isolation

Co-direct my life with me. May every frame have both our signatures imbedded, that every viewer sees the fruit of the labour that is my life.

Rhema: For out of you will flow rivers of living waters, that shine ever brighter into the darkness.

Reversing the Lost Generation

Most people today have their lives defined in the following manner, and they live the mantra below –

I am part of a lost generation
and I refuse to believe that
I can change the world
I realize this may be a shock but
“Happiness comes from within.”
is a lie, and
“Money will make me happy.”
So in 30 years I will tell my children
they are not the most important thing in my life
My employer will know that
I have my priorities straight because
work
is more important than
family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stayed together
but this will not be true in my era
This is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
30 years from now, I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope.

And all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it .

Now, if we read the poem the other way around, it will be like this:

There is hope .
It is foolish to presume that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic.
It will be evident that
My peers and I care about this earth
No longer can it be said that
Environmental destruction will be the norm
In the future
I will live in a country of my own making
I do not concede that
30 years from now, I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
Experts tell me
This is a quick fix society
but this will not be true in my era
Families stayed together
Once upon a time
I tell you this
family
is more important than
work
I have my priorities straight because
My employer will know that
they are not the most important things in my life
So in 30 years I will tell my children
“Money will make me happy.”
is a lie, and
“Happiness comes from within.”
I realize this may be a shock but
I can change the world
and I refuse to believe that
I am part of a lost generation.

Yes, love is still the greatest of all.

The only thing that can deal with human errors and faults, the only thing that can surpass conflict among people and stare hate in the face and return kindness, goodness and love, must be something that is bigger than all our problems and the current state of upset we are in. This verse is something I grew up with, lived with, but now cling onto to, for nothing else can help you deal with a situation of animousity and unkindness except for God’s love.

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

– 1 Corinthians 13

Thank you for raising me the way you did

Dear Mummy & Daddy,

I think I’ve never even written the both of you a letter like this before. Well, I never had a reason too, since I was never so far away from home for so long a time.

I guess there is a lifetime of things that I could write about, and that I could thank you for, but that wouldn’t be most accurately captured in just some words on a screen. Well, both of you were the ones who gave me life, so first of all thank you for that. I guess like all kids, I grew up comparing what I had with others, the house I lived in, the family I grew up in, and it was always tough trying to figure out why there would always be someone else who had a nicer bag, and nicer house, and even cooler parents who let them do whatever they wanted.

A memory of me asking you why you weren’t like someone else’s parents is stuck in my mind as I write this to you – I remember Daddy being furious and saying never to compare my family with anyone else, whether it was in terms of wealth or looks or simple they way they were. I remember thinking it was just an excuse for not being what I wished you were.

Along the path of growing up, I remember instances where I desperately found it so hard to understand why I never could be so frank and truthful with you -thank sometimes you guys were so awfully stern that I didnt want to confide anything with you at all. I remember there were really strong feelings of hurt and anger, and an emptiness when I saw how other friends could joke so openly with their parents and be like total friends, not strangers.

There were some specific instances where I needed another relative to intervene in our quarrels and misunderstandings, and those moments I thought thoughts that I never want to think about again. But I guess gone are those times, because now that I am so far away from home, I feel closer to you both than ever before. Rare as it sounds, we email alot more nowadays, and I think I know much more about what’s going on in your life than I had ever did. We exchange emails on almost a daily basis, when we never used to say more than “hello” back home. Perhaps absence really makes the heart grow fonder.

However, more than the mere frequency of emails we have now, staying with another family and being overseas has shown me the importance of the foundation I have growing up. The values I learnt from you both always remind me how fortunate I am. That although we may not be as close as other families, family unity is always a top priority for you. I remember the tough conversation we had this year when you guys came to Argentina to visit me – when we were in Calafate and I said stuff that hurt you both, but rather than react and explode at me, you chose to stay calm and sit us all together and say a little prayer.

I think about the times when Mummy you would prepare all the goodies and vitamins for me to bring here to Argentina plus a ton of other non-essential stuff so I would not be in lack – and I feel so thankful because not every parent would bother about such things for a daughter that is already 25 and decided to go live overseas on her own. I think about how you guys always try to keep in touch nowadays and despite some one-liner conversations, it always feels good to hear your voices.

Thank you for all you have given to me, and done for me to make me the person I am. I’m so proud to have you as my parents.

Love,
me.

Letter to JMC

Hola mi quierido JM!

I haven’t written a letter to you in such a long time, and I figure that now is the perfect opportunity to write to you, given the 30-letter challenge and the fact that your birthday and mine just passed, marking 3 years since we got together in Mannheim!

Thinking back on the past three years (wow! 3 whole years, that’s almost or maybe more than 1000 days!), I guess we can say we’ve been through quite a lot together. From meeting you as my housemate in Germany as we both were on exchange in Uni Mannheim, to complaining to F about your and Fer cooking too much chicken and how the entire apartment would fill up with the aroma of chicken, perfect if you’re having dinner but not so if you’re in pyjamas ready to hit the bed! I remember the first time F told me that there were 2 Argentines in our VG, I wondered to myself what on earth Argentines look like. (Sorry I had no idea then, I just knew Argentina was very very far away).

Then I remember bumping into you in the kitchen when you would be preparing some breakfast of cereal and milk (or maybe something else with orange juice, or dulce de leche) and we would just chat, not too long, maybe just 5 minutes, but it always felt like we connected in a way. The next memory I have of you is the queue for Oktoberfest tickets, and how I arrived with Crystal, Jingying and some others at 6+am, to find you and Fer camped out right at the front of the queue. Someone even took a photo of you both sleeping on the ground in the cold winter morning. It was hilarious – and I thought to myself – “Gawd! these are my housemates!!” Honestly I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

Then one day in the kitchen – I can’t remember who started the conversation – but we started talking about travel plans, and I mentioned that I was headed to Barcelona the following week, and you said “So am I!” Turned out that we were both flying on the same airlines, just one day apart. The last day in Barcelona, we flew back on the same plane, and bumped into each other with our respective group of friends just outside a shopping mall. I also remember how you told me you were amazed I didnt know how to greet people with kisses, and how I would only hug instead of making the sound of a kiss in the air. These encounters seem a little silly but somehow they always remind me of Mannheim and how we first met.

We got together sometime between your birthday and mine, and while it was crazy, knowing that I would probably not see you after we both went back to our home countries when the semester ended, I somehow thought to myself that I had to give us a chance. So during that december month of 2007, we travelled, we went to Heidelberg, Dresden and Paris, and we grew much closer. I started realizing the person you were – your depth and your understanding of life that made you want to take chances for something that was worth it because you understood the shortness of life and how important it was to appreciate and grab opportunies presented to us.

The last few days of December (particularly prior to our New Years’ trip to Paris) were unbearably tough. As the ticking clock started sounding louder to the end of the year and to the close of exchange, I felt my heart breaking as I realized it might be very possible that I may not ever see you again. I went to Paris heavy hearted, while at the same time also feeling so lucky to be able to spend New Year’s with you, in the city whose name is synonymous with “romance”. We parted in that horrible bus station in Paris, and I was crying buckets, as you waved goodbye from outside the coach, hands in your ski jacket.

Arriving back in SG, I read your emails from different parts of Europe, and we would rush to schedule timings to skype, because it felt so empty without talking to each other. When you told me you thought it was worth it to try to continue with a long-distance relationship, I was so happy I almost cried. That April of 2008, I took my flight flight to South America, Argentina, where I would spend the next two months as a graudation trip. I enjoyed myself so much, with your family and friends, that when it was time to leave, I felt so upset, and wished I could stay for another 2 more months.

Back home, I started work with SCB when my IG program started. During the last 2 years since then, we both travelled to and fro Singapore and Buenos Aires, but finally decided at the end of last year that we should both stay in the same country, we agreed in the end I would go over.

This year, two years after the first April that I arrived in Buenos Aires, I took the Malaysian Airlines flight via KL, Cape Town and Johannesburg, and stepped foot here, where I’ve been for the last 7 months.

Thank you for your love, patience, understanding and care every single day, even on days that you are busy, and when things may not be going so well for you. Thank you for surprising me with a rose on the first day of Spring, for lying to me that you were going to do something else when you were actually preparing breakfast for me, and thank you for always thinking about how I would feel.

Te amo, y beso grande,
Tu Cuquito.

Rosewithoutthorns – Happy 4 years old!

It’s been 4 years since I started this site, now a haven for me to pen my thoughts and explore my sentiments. Blogging, as empty as it had seemed when it first became a habit, is now a theraphy, and also a record of my life and personal growth.

Once in a while I get nostalgic, and as the business and noise of life crams out the space to think quietly, I look back into my journal of thoughts, random words, beautiful poems, and deep prose that I wrote before. Sometimes I amaze myself, because reading previous entries from years ago reminds me of the person I was before becoming another, and then another. Although I’ve always essentially been the same person, there are particular phases in life that can be recorded and segregated, and even more clearly now that there are dated posts describing the bare details of my life.

I make it a habit not to write down too many intimate details that the Internet and its ingeneous search engines like Google and Yahoo like to freely and randomly distribute to its users. I tend to type in a half-code that only those in the situation and discerning enough will be able to understand, if they even have access to this site. Still, having my thoughts coded, I remember exactly what I felt when I was writing them as I read the posts line by line and drink in the words bit for bit.

In a way, this blog is a pretty strong definition of my life, my habits, my ideas and my dreams. Words may not express everything I feel, but I try to put them in black and white the things that I experience and treasure. Writing has always been a cure for the insanity of life, for the emptiness of repetition, and for the lack of a deeper world. It has always allowed me to truly reflect and ponder, almost the only time when I search inside myself and display my heartbeat without being obliged to demonstrate some other.

Every few months I take a peak back and review my life written on a website by me, about me. Everytime, I realize the importance and significance it has for me. What a journey, and it will continue. Happy 4 yrs!

The little things that make me happy (2)

1. Listening to Pheonix on grooveshark to relax after a busy morning of cramming reports into my head
2. Knowing that Spring is here and the sun shines a minute more each day
3. Waiting for the long weekend and looking forward to taking a break in Rosario, the first holiday since I started work again
4. Reading a mail from my friend asking me to be her bridesmaid, and even though I know I most probably can’t, it still made me smile
5. The Korean instant noodles waiting in the bag SY gave me, SOS help whenever I miss Asian food and want to be reminded of home sweet home
6. Receiving a lovely SMS from my aunt telling me she misses me, and hopes things are well
7. Biking down Libertador Avenue all the way to Retiro, seeing Buenos Aires in a different way
8. Chatting on skype with my best friends in the world, no matter how far away they are
9. Discount shopping, which gives me greater purchasing power
10. Picking up the phone to call my family, or a friend, and breaking into a smile when I hear their familiar voices and translated smiles
11. Thinking about CNY back home, eating homemade pineapple tarts brought by my mum
12. Cooking Chinese food– yes, it is actually therapeutic, and the smell of chicken rice steaming in the rick cooker almost makes me believe I am back in Singapore
13. Spanish classes with Veronica, one of the nicest and sincerest Argentines I have met since arriving 6 months ago
14. Arriving at work and having my morning chat with colleagues, before starting a relatively peaceful day
15. Reading reports on Singapore and feeling I know much more about my homeland now than ever before
16. Discussing holiday plans, and the arrival of a cousin’s birth
17. Writing, about anything in particular. It is my theraphy.

So many little things that make me happy. Life is good : )

Friendship…. you find it in the weirdest corners

A long time ago, I used to think that as you grow older, and graduate from student to working adult, your pool of friends can only start to diminish, until is turns from a large ripple into a almost invisible drop of water.

But I realized that friendship is an incredibly amazing phenomenon – you find it when you least expect it; and you never know with whom you’re going to develop a friendship that defies time, distance and cultural differences. I’m a pretty sociable person, but I don’t get out and party too much – in order words, I make friends when doing the most normal things (like attending Spanish classes, at work, or simply by the rare opportunity of chance).

I’ve lived a pretty international life in the last 3 years, and following that lifestyle of travelling because of work, vacation and simply school, I’ve met people who inspire, have passion for things that you might never have imagined, and people who are really just rare jewels of kindness, goodness and love. In SCB, when we travelled to Chennai, India, for our 3-week long rotation, I got to know Feyi really well, despite her being my first African friend from Nigeria; despite the fact that I used to think blacks look fierce and a little too aggressive for my liking; and despite the fact that we rarely kept in touch before that. The last time I saw her was almost a year ago, but the beautiful character that she has made me always remember the strength of a person who had the courage to admit her mistakes and accept that she had done wrong; that she dared to ask for forgiveness, and know what was important to her. I admire her motivation and faith in wanting to be Nigeria’s next finance minister – an extremely ambitious ideal for any person just starting out. I appreciated her absolutely honest sincerity that made me slightly startled at the raw intensity of it all. But it was true, that in India, a place which left so many memories and invoked so many emotions, I found a true friend.

At work in SCB, back home in Singapore, I also made friends over time, with random people – colleagues on the floor, the secretaries and generally anyone who made the effort to chat for those few more minutes outside of work. There are some people that I really appreciate for making the first few months in a completely new office so much easier, and because of that, I am always grateful. From them I learnt the most important rules to stick by in the game of office politics, but also that work mates can be fun to hang out with; that it was crucial in whom you place your trust and confidence, because there were so many others who are ready to backstab you the minute they require to.

Then I came to Argentina and lo and behold, never did I expect to see another Singaporean so soon after leaving my homeland! Jace was here for the first month I was here – working of course, but we met up a couple of times and still keep in contact once in a while. And then SY, who I met because of our mutual friend – who has interesting ideas and a pretty crazy life – who I probably would not have met if we both remained in Singapore – and who constantly amazes me! She defies many social norms and expectations of Singapore lawyers, and it is refreshing while also quite hard to believe.

But of course, the friends that you’ve had since a thousand years ago and still keep in close contact are a rarity that always make me smile. I remember going for Mrs Chua’s tuition classes on Saturdays when I was in primary school; but first going to JH’s house for a yummilicious bee hoon lunch with her granny’s famous chilli. It was from those routine saturdays that we developed our friendship, which later led to yearly sleepovers (where we had to set the alarm at 12 am to have our midnight feast), then pen pal letters as we changed schools, but over time and difference in schools, we always stayed close, even though, I in Argentina, and she in Singapore, but going to London for her law exchange in just 2 days!

And Syl, who really helped me through a thousand things – crying in the middle of the night, driving over to see if I was ok, dinner at Pasta Fresca, shopping on random occasions, late night chats on the phone, and sleepovers. SMU was largely made up of the girls – and syl was one of those that really defined SMU life. Then there is Suzy, who by chance I met at Sports Camp in Uni year one, but only 2 years later got to know her better after our internship at Bloomberg. We don’t talk so often but when we do it’s always such a wonderful thing – and I can’t wait to see her little girl when she arrives! And Joyceee, who is going to get married next year – it’s amazing to see their lives bloom like that; some people are extraordinary and you know it’s such an honour to be part of their evolution.

There are also so many more that I have yet to write about, but it doesn’t mean their friendship isn’t worth mentioning. There are too many who have touched and impacted my lives, in littles ways and then big ones too. But most importantly I know at last that my hypothesis is no longer valid.

Your circle of friends will only get wider and wider – but that also depends on you.

What a difference a few months make

Almost one month since my last one-liner post. Many things have happened and in this hiatus of not penning down my thoughts, feelings and experiences, I have seen some very wonderful things and some changes in my life.

As mentioned, my family came to visit a couple of weeks ago. They were here just a short 2 weeks, but during this time, we had a family vacation all together after almost 5 years; they saw latin america, and more specifically Argentina, for the first time, and they loved it; we had fights and arguments, but also much laughter and more importantly fun together as a family that cares and truly loves each other. It was impossible to believe how fast the 13 days flew by and in a rare glimpse of time, they teleported back to hot, sunny, flooding Singapore.

During the last one month, I also started working here in Argentina. I now work in a small firm of stock analysts, (thankfully I work in English) and everyday I’m learning more and more. And each day I realise how much more I have to learn. But the miracle is that my colleagues are amazingly helpful and nice; at least I haven’t seen the politics that I was so well-prepared for in my former bank; at least I have a boss who is upfront and usually in a good mood; at least I don’t wonder all the time if my boss really is a hypocrite at heart; and they even pay for lunches – everyday! Yes, that also means you eat in and work at your desk literally from 9am-6pm; the only exercise that I get nowadays is the back and fro 100m walk from the subway station to my office.

I realised that my previous experience in SCB has shaped alot of the ways I do things; the way I treat my colleagues, the secretary, my boss, and also the way I am more keen on working hard at improving what I currently do. I don’t dread the late hours or coming in the earliest anymore; I don’t even mind eating at my desk during lunch when I used to complain when I even had to do it at all; and I don’t even mind that my salary has been greatly reduced because of the change in currency; which doesn’t keep up with inflation in a land of high living costs.

4 months ago, I quit my former job and bought my ticket to go halfway round the world, no job in store, income-less and friendless in this part of the world (ok, I did know J’s family and alot of his friends, but still it’s different when you actually have your own friends). I left my family and friends in southeast Asia and started a completely different phase of life. I found out that after a period of separation, there are some friends who no longer keep in touch; others only because of the easy facility of facebook, and then those others, the jems who make it a point to connect with you no matter what, to remember you when they buy something, just because they had you in mind. There were days I felt lonely, and suffered from a lack of personal space, yet lacked the confidence and security that Singapore offered to be able to venture out alone. Yet with necessity and time, I manouveured my way around Buenos Aires, brushed up my Spanish and even attained a level that allowed me to be my family’s tourguide around the city, without any external help. Now I’m working again, after a break of a couple of months, and I’m really enjoying it.

8 months ago, at the start of this year, I greeted 1st January 2010 with fireworks in Hong Kong, together with Val and Aunty Adeline’s family. It was a wonderful beginning stuffing ourselves with yummy cantonese dim sum and heavenly desserts. I was still floatingly rotating on my International Graduate program, and had no idea what I wanted to do for a living. Then I joined the Global Research desk, where I had a thoroughly enjoyable 2 months working with a team of people that I honestly respected and admired. I realized that work could actually be fulfilling. And that when I enjoyed my work, my bosses appreciated the output and insight I contributed. I had to some pretty tough decisions to make then, but I made them and they served me very well. I keep in touch with ex-colleagues from SCB and when they talk to me about work – telling me they can’t wait to leave and that so many of those that I started out with have already left – I think to myself, thank God I made the right choice and left; and that I didnt waste my last 4 months complaining about a situation I had the power to change. I still remember thinking that I had no idea what 2010 would bring me, and lo and behold, it is already the middle of August.

What a difference a short span of time makes, and what a difference honestly, when you dare to make the boldest and bravest decisions, because you never really know how much you gain unless you take the first step forward and try it. I’m sooo glad I did!

Missing home.

One of those days where I wish I was with my family; with my parents who nag at me about almost everyday, to whose loud voices I wake up to especially during the weekends; with my brother who bugs me about reading his blog, about looking at his later computer graphics and hand-drawn graffiti; with my sister who doesn’t really say much to me but I know feels so much, especially now that I am so far from home.

I miss the large empty space in my room that is mines and only mine; the high wooden roof that is so magically calming whenever I stare at it just before I close my eyes to sleep; the large swaying palm trees outside my house that wake me up with their mystical side-to-side dance; the knowledge that I will be able to get my point across because I am speaking in my beloved English, and not a foreign language whose formats and structures I am only beginning to grasp. I miss the smell of my house, which now I have forgotten, and I miss it not because it smells of perfume or some nice scent, but because it is familiar and reminds me I am home. The mixture of garlic in simmering hot oil, the fragrant aroma of Shah busy cooking dinner in the kitchen, the three storeys of stairs I have to climb up and down everyday to get to and from my room. I miss the freedom of space I have in my house, where the large patio lures you attractively to sit on the outdoor sofa by the fountain with Japanese Koi merrily swimming in their water world, to breath in the freshness of a garden next to you, to enjoy the wind caressing your face as you lay legs outstretched and deeply engrossed in a good old-fashioned remedy of great literature.

I miss returning home and seeing Aunty Catherine and my mum perched on the edged of my mum’s bed, lost in an excruciatingly long and seemingly never-ending Korea drama all about mother-in-laws and how they ill-treat their daughter-in-laws. I miss seeing my mum working hard at her sudoku challenge book #3 and ticking the exercises she got right. I miss waking up and realizing my father has been at his computer for the last few minutes checking his capital gains from the stock market’s movements. I miss Aunty Catherine and her thousand and one comments about everything under the sun, and her showing off a new top or skirt that she had bought at an indecent discount. I even miss Shah, and her funny questions like “Felicia, how come today so early?”

I have gotten used to another routine, living with another family I have to be accustomed to the differences in culture and traditions, which is perfectly fine for me. I have always been one to adjust pretty easily to new situations, maybe not totally integrating into everything immediately, but at least to be able to settle in without much difficulty; just a bit more effort on my side to be neater, help out more with household chores, to be quicker when taking a shower, to wash my clothes every few days instead of everyday as I was used to at home. Thankfully the weather here permits not washing the clothes everytime you use them; but still it is small things like these that require getting used it; they make up everything that defines your daily routine; like what you eat for breakfast, where you sit at the dinner table, if there is even a habit of eating dinner together; tiny details like how the bed is made; how the toilet smells different because of special toilet scents sprayed every 15 minutes, they all make up such a large difference.

Especially missing my friends, and relatives, with whom I used to spend so much time with; Aunty Adeline, Shawn and their family, my grandparents who always ask me if I miss them and to come and spend sometime together, either shopping or having dinner at their house. I miss being sure enough of the environment and language to be able to move around the city freely on my own; to have the security that I can bring my credit cards and a ton of cash around and feel safe knowing there is low probability that I will be robbed or pickpocketed. I miss the efficient public transport that is almost always working and definitely always clean. I miss the shopping centres which are enormously huge and have everything you could possibly need in them. I like the luxury of choosing which area I want to go to shop in, where I want to walk, how I’d like to dress without having weird men on the streets calling me “Chinita” because they are bored, although now that doesn’t bother me at all.

I miss speaking in Singlish! Can’t believe it but it’s true. l hear so much Spanish everyday, and yes I still speak in English sometimes, but I love it when I call home and Ronald picks up the phone and I lapse into great lengths of battered Singlish, my mind trying to reconnect the dots and remind me where to tag the “la”s and the “lor”s. I love calling my grandparents and hear the light in my granny’s voice when she recognizes my voice. I love her silly questions such as whether I am getting fat here from eating meat all the time. And I miss my grandfather giving me advice over how to keep warm and prepare for winter. I miss them. I miss my family and my friends. But I am happy here. But i still miss home!!