Thank you for raising me the way you did
Dear Mummy & Daddy,
I think I’ve never even written the both of you a letter like this before. Well, I never had a reason too, since I was never so far away from home for so long a time.
I guess there is a lifetime of things that I could write about, and that I could thank you for, but that wouldn’t be most accurately captured in just some words on a screen. Well, both of you were the ones who gave me life, so first of all thank you for that. I guess like all kids, I grew up comparing what I had with others, the house I lived in, the family I grew up in, and it was always tough trying to figure out why there would always be someone else who had a nicer bag, and nicer house, and even cooler parents who let them do whatever they wanted.
A memory of me asking you why you weren’t like someone else’s parents is stuck in my mind as I write this to you – I remember Daddy being furious and saying never to compare my family with anyone else, whether it was in terms of wealth or looks or simple they way they were. I remember thinking it was just an excuse for not being what I wished you were.
Along the path of growing up, I remember instances where I desperately found it so hard to understand why I never could be so frank and truthful with you -thank sometimes you guys were so awfully stern that I didnt want to confide anything with you at all. I remember there were really strong feelings of hurt and anger, and an emptiness when I saw how other friends could joke so openly with their parents and be like total friends, not strangers.
There were some specific instances where I needed another relative to intervene in our quarrels and misunderstandings, and those moments I thought thoughts that I never want to think about again. But I guess gone are those times, because now that I am so far away from home, I feel closer to you both than ever before. Rare as it sounds, we email alot more nowadays, and I think I know much more about what’s going on in your life than I had ever did. We exchange emails on almost a daily basis, when we never used to say more than “hello” back home. Perhaps absence really makes the heart grow fonder.
However, more than the mere frequency of emails we have now, staying with another family and being overseas has shown me the importance of the foundation I have growing up. The values I learnt from you both always remind me how fortunate I am. That although we may not be as close as other families, family unity is always a top priority for you. I remember the tough conversation we had this year when you guys came to Argentina to visit me – when we were in Calafate and I said stuff that hurt you both, but rather than react and explode at me, you chose to stay calm and sit us all together and say a little prayer.
I think about the times when Mummy you would prepare all the goodies and vitamins for me to bring here to Argentina plus a ton of other non-essential stuff so I would not be in lack – and I feel so thankful because not every parent would bother about such things for a daughter that is already 25 and decided to go live overseas on her own. I think about how you guys always try to keep in touch nowadays and despite some one-liner conversations, it always feels good to hear your voices.
Thank you for all you have given to me, and done for me to make me the person I am. I’m so proud to have you as my parents.
Love,
me.
Holiday season-correlated homesickness.
I was writing a Christmas card for my family when I started feeling the onset of homesickness, combined with a not-so-fantastic day at work. It’s one of those days when u feel like u need to be at home most, but everyone’s busy doing their own thing.
Some tears did a bit of good – guess I’m slighty better now. I do miss home alot still though.
Feliz Primavera!
Can’t remember the last time I sat down and wrote! It’s Spring already!!
The last month flew by with my time spent majorly on working, sleeping, eating and then working some more. Finally a Friday when I get home early enough before dinner and awake enough to want to pen down some thoughts.. and maybe update those of you who read this page.
I’ve been working hard at my new job, and surprisingly not because I’m forced to, but because I want to. Getting into the office before 9am, and sometimes leaving after 9pm. Man, I don’t even remember being this much of a workerbee in workaholic Singapore! But the job is a great start for me, because honestly I’ve learnt so much in the last two months (well, of course the learning curve is always steepest at the start), but other than that, I find myself actually being less afraid of models (not catwalk models duh! its excel spreadsheet models!) and more able understand a balance sheet and income statement without shrinking back in absolute horror of the mere quantity of numbers.
In some way, this job combines what I need to know to analyze stocks (and eventually invest in them myself) with a similar scope to what I did during my rotation with Tai & Alvin in Global Research. I read so many articles, scan the net leaving no page unturned, until I manage to get a good idea of an exchange enough to be able to comment and state my view on it. I’m starting to enjoy the stock exchange industry better, getting a grasp of an industry I never even thought about just a mere 3 months ago.
I’m also learning everyday how to manage relations between colleagues who absolutely don’t speak to each other. I find out more about them everyday; what pisses them off, what makes them feel good, and how to manage situations. I realise some people are very needy for attention and ego-boosting. Their competitiveness makes them incredibly intolerable but at the same time you can’t do without them, especially if they are senior in their position, and also intelligent. Then there are others who are extremely helpful and polite, and are willing to go the distance with you. Two types of very different people, in a very small company.
I like my work, I’m getting more settled in the company, and life in general. But I don’t want to feel so tired everyday. I want to come home energized and refreshed and be able to do all the other things I dont get to do during the week, not sleep my whole weekend away! Guess its going to be a matter of adjustment before I start rescheduling my time and making more time for myself. I miss my family alot too, and whenever I walk along the streets of Santa Fe, or Callao, and pass by the Petít Colon cafe at Tribunales, or the French design building Ronald loved so much when he was here, I miss them even more. I’m reminded of the time we spent in Calafate, in la Boca, in Recoleta, Calle Corrientes, Puerto Madero. And how much fun we had.
Not sure when I’ll be able to take leave to head back to sunny Singapore. But at least for now Winter is over and Spring is finally here! Off with the woolen jackets and leather boots, and hello sleeveless tops, shorts and bikinis!!!
What a difference a few months make
Almost one month since my last one-liner post. Many things have happened and in this hiatus of not penning down my thoughts, feelings and experiences, I have seen some very wonderful things and some changes in my life.
As mentioned, my family came to visit a couple of weeks ago. They were here just a short 2 weeks, but during this time, we had a family vacation all together after almost 5 years; they saw latin america, and more specifically Argentina, for the first time, and they loved it; we had fights and arguments, but also much laughter and more importantly fun together as a family that cares and truly loves each other. It was impossible to believe how fast the 13 days flew by and in a rare glimpse of time, they teleported back to hot, sunny, flooding Singapore.
During the last one month, I also started working here in Argentina. I now work in a small firm of stock analysts, (thankfully I work in English) and everyday I’m learning more and more. And each day I realise how much more I have to learn. But the miracle is that my colleagues are amazingly helpful and nice; at least I haven’t seen the politics that I was so well-prepared for in my former bank; at least I have a boss who is upfront and usually in a good mood; at least I don’t wonder all the time if my boss really is a hypocrite at heart; and they even pay for lunches – everyday! Yes, that also means you eat in and work at your desk literally from 9am-6pm; the only exercise that I get nowadays is the back and fro 100m walk from the subway station to my office.
I realised that my previous experience in SCB has shaped alot of the ways I do things; the way I treat my colleagues, the secretary, my boss, and also the way I am more keen on working hard at improving what I currently do. I don’t dread the late hours or coming in the earliest anymore; I don’t even mind eating at my desk during lunch when I used to complain when I even had to do it at all; and I don’t even mind that my salary has been greatly reduced because of the change in currency; which doesn’t keep up with inflation in a land of high living costs.
4 months ago, I quit my former job and bought my ticket to go halfway round the world, no job in store, income-less and friendless in this part of the world (ok, I did know J’s family and alot of his friends, but still it’s different when you actually have your own friends). I left my family and friends in southeast Asia and started a completely different phase of life. I found out that after a period of separation, there are some friends who no longer keep in touch; others only because of the easy facility of facebook, and then those others, the jems who make it a point to connect with you no matter what, to remember you when they buy something, just because they had you in mind. There were days I felt lonely, and suffered from a lack of personal space, yet lacked the confidence and security that Singapore offered to be able to venture out alone. Yet with necessity and time, I manouveured my way around Buenos Aires, brushed up my Spanish and even attained a level that allowed me to be my family’s tourguide around the city, without any external help. Now I’m working again, after a break of a couple of months, and I’m really enjoying it.
8 months ago, at the start of this year, I greeted 1st January 2010 with fireworks in Hong Kong, together with Val and Aunty Adeline’s family. It was a wonderful beginning stuffing ourselves with yummy cantonese dim sum and heavenly desserts. I was still floatingly rotating on my International Graduate program, and had no idea what I wanted to do for a living. Then I joined the Global Research desk, where I had a thoroughly enjoyable 2 months working with a team of people that I honestly respected and admired. I realized that work could actually be fulfilling. And that when I enjoyed my work, my bosses appreciated the output and insight I contributed. I had to some pretty tough decisions to make then, but I made them and they served me very well. I keep in touch with ex-colleagues from SCB and when they talk to me about work – telling me they can’t wait to leave and that so many of those that I started out with have already left – I think to myself, thank God I made the right choice and left; and that I didnt waste my last 4 months complaining about a situation I had the power to change. I still remember thinking that I had no idea what 2010 would bring me, and lo and behold, it is already the middle of August.
What a difference a short span of time makes, and what a difference honestly, when you dare to make the boldest and bravest decisions, because you never really know how much you gain unless you take the first step forward and try it. I’m sooo glad I did!
Unbelieveable!
My family arrived in Buenos Aires last night and wow!! Still can’t believe they’re here! Jet-lagged and extremely tired from the time difference and long flight journey, all of them are still sleeping as I type this… but… it feels like home!
I am happy!
Guess who’s coming to town?!
My family has confirmed they will fly in for a fortnight, all the way from sunny Singapore to cold and freezing Buenos Aires! Yes, and they’re going to be here in less than a month!!! Am busy with hotel and travel planning right now, but other than that, I’m thrilled to the bone!
Today will also be my first meeting with another Singaporean girl – who moved here 2 days ago to spend the next 1 year of her life (not sure what she’s going to be doing). Well maybe tango, spanish and travelling I suppose. But yay! will be interesting.
Hasta luego…more updates another time!
[Updated:]
Yay, finally booked the trip to El Calafate where the glaciers are located in South Argentina, Patagonia. Went there 2 years but it’s definitely worth going again!
Missing home.
One of those days where I wish I was with my family; with my parents who nag at me about almost everyday, to whose loud voices I wake up to especially during the weekends; with my brother who bugs me about reading his blog, about looking at his later computer graphics and hand-drawn graffiti; with my sister who doesn’t really say much to me but I know feels so much, especially now that I am so far from home.
I miss the large empty space in my room that is mines and only mine; the high wooden roof that is so magically calming whenever I stare at it just before I close my eyes to sleep; the large swaying palm trees outside my house that wake me up with their mystical side-to-side dance; the knowledge that I will be able to get my point across because I am speaking in my beloved English, and not a foreign language whose formats and structures I am only beginning to grasp. I miss the smell of my house, which now I have forgotten, and I miss it not because it smells of perfume or some nice scent, but because it is familiar and reminds me I am home. The mixture of garlic in simmering hot oil, the fragrant aroma of Shah busy cooking dinner in the kitchen, the three storeys of stairs I have to climb up and down everyday to get to and from my room. I miss the freedom of space I have in my house, where the large patio lures you attractively to sit on the outdoor sofa by the fountain with Japanese Koi merrily swimming in their water world, to breath in the freshness of a garden next to you, to enjoy the wind caressing your face as you lay legs outstretched and deeply engrossed in a good old-fashioned remedy of great literature.
I miss returning home and seeing Aunty Catherine and my mum perched on the edged of my mum’s bed, lost in an excruciatingly long and seemingly never-ending Korea drama all about mother-in-laws and how they ill-treat their daughter-in-laws. I miss seeing my mum working hard at her sudoku challenge book #3 and ticking the exercises she got right. I miss waking up and realizing my father has been at his computer for the last few minutes checking his capital gains from the stock market’s movements. I miss Aunty Catherine and her thousand and one comments about everything under the sun, and her showing off a new top or skirt that she had bought at an indecent discount. I even miss Shah, and her funny questions like “Felicia, how come today so early?”
I have gotten used to another routine, living with another family I have to be accustomed to the differences in culture and traditions, which is perfectly fine for me. I have always been one to adjust pretty easily to new situations, maybe not totally integrating into everything immediately, but at least to be able to settle in without much difficulty; just a bit more effort on my side to be neater, help out more with household chores, to be quicker when taking a shower, to wash my clothes every few days instead of everyday as I was used to at home. Thankfully the weather here permits not washing the clothes everytime you use them; but still it is small things like these that require getting used it; they make up everything that defines your daily routine; like what you eat for breakfast, where you sit at the dinner table, if there is even a habit of eating dinner together; tiny details like how the bed is made; how the toilet smells different because of special toilet scents sprayed every 15 minutes, they all make up such a large difference.
Especially missing my friends, and relatives, with whom I used to spend so much time with; Aunty Adeline, Shawn and their family, my grandparents who always ask me if I miss them and to come and spend sometime together, either shopping or having dinner at their house. I miss being sure enough of the environment and language to be able to move around the city freely on my own; to have the security that I can bring my credit cards and a ton of cash around and feel safe knowing there is low probability that I will be robbed or pickpocketed. I miss the efficient public transport that is almost always working and definitely always clean. I miss the shopping centres which are enormously huge and have everything you could possibly need in them. I like the luxury of choosing which area I want to go to shop in, where I want to walk, how I’d like to dress without having weird men on the streets calling me “Chinita” because they are bored, although now that doesn’t bother me at all.
I miss speaking in Singlish! Can’t believe it but it’s true. l hear so much Spanish everyday, and yes I still speak in English sometimes, but I love it when I call home and Ronald picks up the phone and I lapse into great lengths of battered Singlish, my mind trying to reconnect the dots and remind me where to tag the “la”s and the “lor”s. I love calling my grandparents and hear the light in my granny’s voice when she recognizes my voice. I love her silly questions such as whether I am getting fat here from eating meat all the time. And I miss my grandfather giving me advice over how to keep warm and prepare for winter. I miss them. I miss my family and my friends. But I am happy here. But i still miss home!!
I’m not too good at farewells
2 days ago, Geri left for the States, to be with her husband at last. The weeks of packing and anticipation finally culminated into the hard truth – that it could possibly be one of the last few times that I saw her, if not the last.
As I hugged her, briefly, I felt excitement for her, yet also the deep sadness of seeing a friend off at the airport, and a certain anxiety, because in 3 weeks, I would be in her shoes. Saying goodbye to friends and family for such a long time, moving away from the country which I grew up in definitely isn’t going to be easy. While I have plenty to gripe about the Lion City, it still is home. And being so close to my friends and family (immediate & extended), it is even harder. Before this week, the idea that I would be moving across 7 seas to settle in a continent the other side of the world hadn’t really hit me. However, friday night at the airport poked me in the ribs, and reminded me that there are still so many things to be done before I fly.
Paperwork has mainly been quite a pain in the arse, with administrative help at the embassy not exactly first class. It has been a few weeks since I started trying to attain all the necessary documents and sorting the procedures out; and I have already gotten a taste of how different the systems between Singapore and Argentina are. It can be frustrating and amusing all at once, and after complaining I usually end up laughing.
Administrative matters aside, I still haven’t gotten down to packing; which I will leave till after I finish with work in 2 weeks. Till then, I have been trying to spend as much time with the family and friends as possible, and yet, I find myself really inadept at being nice to those I love the most, namely my parents and my siblings. Sometimes, I don’t know how to console them that I am leaving; because I know they are trying not to be sad; sometimes I am patient and nice, other times I am stressed, tense and rude.
I wish there was a way to tell them I will miss them so much too, and that I really appreciate them allowing me to chase my dream, and to be with the one I love. I wish I could take them all with me, but I know I can’t have the best of all the worlds. That would be asking for too much. I wish they knew though, how important they are to me, although I’m just really unable to express that in words. I don’t really know how to react when I see the tears well up inside my mum’s eyes; we never had that sort of relationship where I could just reach over hug her and assure her things will be alright. Instead, my reaction made her feel bad for feeling sad, but that’s not what I intended. I know her heart is torn as a mother, to see her eldest daughter going so far away, maybe it even feels like the moon for her. I wish she understood my intentions at that point. I don’t want to make her sad, but I don’t know how I could possibly ask her to be happy for me that I am leaving – that is too selfish. Yet I also don’t know how to show her I appreciate her little bits of advice; I wish she would sound stronger and more confident; I want to be appreciative, but somehow maybe I don’t seem so.
There are many emotions that I feel daily, sadness, worry, anticipation, happiness, excitement, uncertainty. A brand new phase and a completely new chapter. I want to go there light-hearted and worry-free, knowing my family will be in good health and happy.
God please take care of them as only you can.
It’s real..!
2010! First quarter almost over, and so many changes and new things in store!
I bought my ticket today, quit on Friday, and in one weekend, I’m starting to realize that it’s true, I’m going to be travelling again. Glancing through exchange photos from more than 2 years ago, I felt such a great desire to travel, and absorb and observe again. Now I’m actually really going to do that!
So many emotions, so much excitement, so much love. <3
To those I love, have always loved and always will.
Seems that I get irritated easily with some people around me nowadays – and the worst thing remains that these are people that I care about and love very much. We’re meanest to those we love the most – does this have to hold so true?
One of these people – I used to love and enjoy her company very much, each time I saw her I would want to make time to spend a day shopping or even just talking about the most mundane of things; yet nowadays, I hear her voice and I want to close my door, I see her things and I feel that they’re all over the place, I just no longer want to listen, eyes glued to her face. I try to minimize contact, I tune out to her advice or just words she speaks, and I when she’s there I just move away, but when she’s not there, I wish I wanted to spend time with her.
Deep inside, there are many things that seem to have changed; circumstances in the last half a year evolved, and sometimes familiarity breeds content, and sometimes, I wish we could go back to the time when I would call her, hoping to catch on a free day for dinner, for shopping (even if it was at a simple shopping mall) or just anything. I want to want to enjoy her company; not only say hi and then good night. It’s hard to see how what we used to have seem so little in the present. Sometimes it pains me just knowing that we don’t have that special connection anymore; sometimes I wished I could show her how much I love her.
Recently, conversations tend to revolve around a personal issue in my life – and hearing them talk, I understand there is a myriad of emotions going through their minds. There seems to be so much to say, yet when said, the words comes out like muddled threads of a spider’s web, wrong from the very start, and then emotions get hurt, the said which should have remained unsaid. It’s like a strong desire and yearning for them to read my heart bare, to know that while it’s important to me, they are too, and have never lost nor would ever lose the place of importance in the barrels of my soul. There is a huge aching longing for communication, conversation, but two-way, not just one. I need them to feel how much I could bring them along with me as well, and not that I was going to forget them, moving elsewhere they weren’t going to be.
Sometimes there are so many things I cannot translate into spoken words without somehow getting the meaning lost in translation; it makes me wince knowing i’ve said something that hurt them, not because I wanted that ultimately, but because I was screaming out for them to notice what they did not seem to be able to see.
I’m so sorry.
