Thank you for raising me the way you did

Dear Mummy & Daddy,

I think I’ve never even written the both of you a letter like this before. Well, I never had a reason too, since I was never so far away from home for so long a time.

I guess there is a lifetime of things that I could write about, and that I could thank you for, but that wouldn’t be most accurately captured in just some words on a screen. Well, both of you were the ones who gave me life, so first of all thank you for that. I guess like all kids, I grew up comparing what I had with others, the house I lived in, the family I grew up in, and it was always tough trying to figure out why there would always be someone else who had a nicer bag, and nicer house, and even cooler parents who let them do whatever they wanted.

A memory of me asking you why you weren’t like someone else’s parents is stuck in my mind as I write this to you – I remember Daddy being furious and saying never to compare my family with anyone else, whether it was in terms of wealth or looks or simple they way they were. I remember thinking it was just an excuse for not being what I wished you were.

Along the path of growing up, I remember instances where I desperately found it so hard to understand why I never could be so frank and truthful with you -thank sometimes you guys were so awfully stern that I didnt want to confide anything with you at all. I remember there were really strong feelings of hurt and anger, and an emptiness when I saw how other friends could joke so openly with their parents and be like total friends, not strangers.

There were some specific instances where I needed another relative to intervene in our quarrels and misunderstandings, and those moments I thought thoughts that I never want to think about again. But I guess gone are those times, because now that I am so far away from home, I feel closer to you both than ever before. Rare as it sounds, we email alot more nowadays, and I think I know much more about what’s going on in your life than I had ever did. We exchange emails on almost a daily basis, when we never used to say more than “hello” back home. Perhaps absence really makes the heart grow fonder.

However, more than the mere frequency of emails we have now, staying with another family and being overseas has shown me the importance of the foundation I have growing up. The values I learnt from you both always remind me how fortunate I am. That although we may not be as close as other families, family unity is always a top priority for you. I remember the tough conversation we had this year when you guys came to Argentina to visit me – when we were in Calafate and I said stuff that hurt you both, but rather than react and explode at me, you chose to stay calm and sit us all together and say a little prayer.

I think about the times when Mummy you would prepare all the goodies and vitamins for me to bring here to Argentina plus a ton of other non-essential stuff so I would not be in lack – and I feel so thankful because not every parent would bother about such things for a daughter that is already 25 and decided to go live overseas on her own. I think about how you guys always try to keep in touch nowadays and despite some one-liner conversations, it always feels good to hear your voices.

Thank you for all you have given to me, and done for me to make me the person I am. I’m so proud to have you as my parents.

Love,
me.

Chinese roots

Listening to Jay Zhou on grooveshark ignites memories of home, althought ive never been that much of a fan of his.

I guess its the fact that I’m listening to Chinese lyrics after such a long time of not speaking my mother tongue.

It’s quite comforting. I guess one never loses their roots, no matter how long they’ve been away from their culture and home.

I’m proud to be Chinese.

Letter to JMC

Hola mi quierido JM!

I haven’t written a letter to you in such a long time, and I figure that now is the perfect opportunity to write to you, given the 30-letter challenge and the fact that your birthday and mine just passed, marking 3 years since we got together in Mannheim!

Thinking back on the past three years (wow! 3 whole years, that’s almost or maybe more than 1000 days!), I guess we can say we’ve been through quite a lot together. From meeting you as my housemate in Germany as we both were on exchange in Uni Mannheim, to complaining to F about your and Fer cooking too much chicken and how the entire apartment would fill up with the aroma of chicken, perfect if you’re having dinner but not so if you’re in pyjamas ready to hit the bed! I remember the first time F told me that there were 2 Argentines in our VG, I wondered to myself what on earth Argentines look like. (Sorry I had no idea then, I just knew Argentina was very very far away).

Then I remember bumping into you in the kitchen when you would be preparing some breakfast of cereal and milk (or maybe something else with orange juice, or dulce de leche) and we would just chat, not too long, maybe just 5 minutes, but it always felt like we connected in a way. The next memory I have of you is the queue for Oktoberfest tickets, and how I arrived with Crystal, Jingying and some others at 6+am, to find you and Fer camped out right at the front of the queue. Someone even took a photo of you both sleeping on the ground in the cold winter morning. It was hilarious – and I thought to myself – “Gawd! these are my housemates!!” Honestly I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

Then one day in the kitchen – I can’t remember who started the conversation – but we started talking about travel plans, and I mentioned that I was headed to Barcelona the following week, and you said “So am I!” Turned out that we were both flying on the same airlines, just one day apart. The last day in Barcelona, we flew back on the same plane, and bumped into each other with our respective group of friends just outside a shopping mall. I also remember how you told me you were amazed I didnt know how to greet people with kisses, and how I would only hug instead of making the sound of a kiss in the air. These encounters seem a little silly but somehow they always remind me of Mannheim and how we first met.

We got together sometime between your birthday and mine, and while it was crazy, knowing that I would probably not see you after we both went back to our home countries when the semester ended, I somehow thought to myself that I had to give us a chance. So during that december month of 2007, we travelled, we went to Heidelberg, Dresden and Paris, and we grew much closer. I started realizing the person you were – your depth and your understanding of life that made you want to take chances for something that was worth it because you understood the shortness of life and how important it was to appreciate and grab opportunies presented to us.

The last few days of December (particularly prior to our New Years’ trip to Paris) were unbearably tough. As the ticking clock started sounding louder to the end of the year and to the close of exchange, I felt my heart breaking as I realized it might be very possible that I may not ever see you again. I went to Paris heavy hearted, while at the same time also feeling so lucky to be able to spend New Year’s with you, in the city whose name is synonymous with “romance”. We parted in that horrible bus station in Paris, and I was crying buckets, as you waved goodbye from outside the coach, hands in your ski jacket.

Arriving back in SG, I read your emails from different parts of Europe, and we would rush to schedule timings to skype, because it felt so empty without talking to each other. When you told me you thought it was worth it to try to continue with a long-distance relationship, I was so happy I almost cried. That April of 2008, I took my flight flight to South America, Argentina, where I would spend the next two months as a graudation trip. I enjoyed myself so much, with your family and friends, that when it was time to leave, I felt so upset, and wished I could stay for another 2 more months.

Back home, I started work with SCB when my IG program started. During the last 2 years since then, we both travelled to and fro Singapore and Buenos Aires, but finally decided at the end of last year that we should both stay in the same country, we agreed in the end I would go over.

This year, two years after the first April that I arrived in Buenos Aires, I took the Malaysian Airlines flight via KL, Cape Town and Johannesburg, and stepped foot here, where I’ve been for the last 7 months.

Thank you for your love, patience, understanding and care every single day, even on days that you are busy, and when things may not be going so well for you. Thank you for surprising me with a rose on the first day of Spring, for lying to me that you were going to do something else when you were actually preparing breakfast for me, and thank you for always thinking about how I would feel.

Te amo, y beso grande,
Tu Cuquito.

Letter to my best friend

Dear JH,

I’m starting on this challenge and the first letter is supposed to be dedicated to my best friend. So I thought hard, and realized that throughout the years, time and distance, throughout different friendship circles and circumstances, the one person who was non-family but has been there since as long as I could remember up till this very day, is you, yes you.

I remember that we met in CHIJ Katong, when we both got streamed into TA5 (Tangarine 5). We were then in quite different circles, but somehow ended up going to the same tuition class, yes Mrs Chua’s house in Bukit Timah! It would fall on Saturday afternoons, and before heading for the heavy group Science lessons I would meet you at your condo and have our hearty lunches of beehoon with the heavenly chili sauce your granny made so perfectly. Remember how much I ate? Man, I think I must have made quite an impression on your mum! Primary 5 and 6 passed by pretty quickly, and soon, we had our combined birthday celebration at your place by the pool. I gave you a Spice girls CD, and to my amazement and shock, you gave me a Kipling bag, one of the coolest brands when we were kids!

Secondary school went by with us in pretty much different lives, you continuing in KC and I went on to NY. Yet we still kept in old-school contact through our snail mails and I remember always being so happy when I received a letter from you. At that point of time, 13 years ago, email was just getting popular and IRC and ICQ was all the rage. However, we stuck to our penpal traditional bond. I think sometime along then, we did a sleepover once a year, alternating between your place and mine, and I still recall how being kids, we would sleep at 11+pm but set the alarm to wake up for our midnight feast of instant noodles and some other junk food. Somehow I have this image of us putting the food in a red little plastic ship thing – it doesn’t make any sense to me now, but that’s what I always associate with our midnight feasts.

JC came upon us soon after, and once again, we went to different schools, you to TJC and me in HCJC. Proximity wise we were far apart, but we still met up to mug for our exams together, and did the sleepovers as well. Remember crazy Bedok CC where we studied so hard for “A” levels in those small wooden cubicles? Remember also that sometimes Shawn came to join us, and he marked the wooden table with a carving saying “17 more days” as he counted down to the end of the dreadful Physics exam (which coincidentally happened to fall on my birthday)?

Naturally as time passed, it was also time for University. I was busy with SMU and you with Econs in NUS. Yet I think it was also during Uni that we started spending more time hanging out together, meeting at Parkway for beef noodles, and chilling at your house. I always knew you as a studious and hardworking girl, who worked hard for her dreams, so I understood when u so desperately wanted to go to London to do your second degree. And while you didnt exactly end up doing that, you are there now on exchange, and you made your dream come true.

I’ve seen you work hard, question things, and how you’ve always stayed close to the most important values in life. You always make the effort to bring people together, to stay close, and to give little gifts which always lets those around you know how much you care and that we are never far from your thoughts. After returning from exchange in Mannheim, we spent afternoons lazing around in Laguna, driving in your new Mazda 6, and shopping at Parkway (well, of cos you mostly shop online now!). Being here in Buenos Aires now, I miss those times where I would just go over to your place by Tanjong Katong Road and ride a bike with you with the east coast breeze in our hair, and then sitting at Bedok jetty where we would talk about everything possible. I remember the last time we did that, and the golden sunset glow falling on us as we talked into the evening.

I miss that you are just a bus ride away, but of course you are just a skype call away with technology so advanced. I hope you know you are very missed and that I can’t wait to catch up with you in person again when I’m back for CNY!

Te quiero muchisimo.
Hugs,
f.

You live, you learn..

Listening to Alanis Morisette’s famous hit, I realized how true it is.

As I grow older, I learn different things, and I learn to live with them.

Something over the weekend upset me quite alot, despite the fact that it was my birthday.

I realised that with distance, there are some bonds which slowly fizzle out and diminish with the length of time. Some friends disappear through the farness and lack of physical proximity. Others stay constant throughout the universe. Why? I asked myself, trying to find an answer to address and understand the hurt that permeated my thoughts over the last weekend.

I used to think there were a number of friends that I could count on no matter what, that being behind a computer chatting with the person should not be that much different than sitting in front of her. But there was a disappointment that manifested which I realized maybe the lack of nearness created or simply amplified. What differentiated friends who stay close and those who don’t? What makes some so special and always close while others drift aimlessly like a bobbing piece of styrofoam in the sea?

I realized it was the importance of having the same virtues, and values. What separates the former from the latter is that the former has a constant understanding of what is important, what is worth fighting for, and what is not. The latter just lacks the willpower to see the truth and continues doing what is wrong, despite countless advice from all those surrounding. What keeps two friends, or any two people close, is not just similarity of hobbies or overlapping activities, but a keen sense of interest in the other’s life, and also a strong desire to move forward in their own.

It came as a sudden revelation to me, just half an hour ago, and now I feel a little less upset and alot more at peace. Now I understand why some friends, despite the period of time that lapses between each meeting, always manage to maintain the connection, while others, without constant daily update about insignificant events, lose track and interest in your life.

It’s still sad and difficult to accept the fact, but now I understand. You live, you learn..

Rosewithoutthorns – Happy 4 years old!

It’s been 4 years since I started this site, now a haven for me to pen my thoughts and explore my sentiments. Blogging, as empty as it had seemed when it first became a habit, is now a theraphy, and also a record of my life and personal growth.

Once in a while I get nostalgic, and as the business and noise of life crams out the space to think quietly, I look back into my journal of thoughts, random words, beautiful poems, and deep prose that I wrote before. Sometimes I amaze myself, because reading previous entries from years ago reminds me of the person I was before becoming another, and then another. Although I’ve always essentially been the same person, there are particular phases in life that can be recorded and segregated, and even more clearly now that there are dated posts describing the bare details of my life.

I make it a habit not to write down too many intimate details that the Internet and its ingeneous search engines like Google and Yahoo like to freely and randomly distribute to its users. I tend to type in a half-code that only those in the situation and discerning enough will be able to understand, if they even have access to this site. Still, having my thoughts coded, I remember exactly what I felt when I was writing them as I read the posts line by line and drink in the words bit for bit.

In a way, this blog is a pretty strong definition of my life, my habits, my ideas and my dreams. Words may not express everything I feel, but I try to put them in black and white the things that I experience and treasure. Writing has always been a cure for the insanity of life, for the emptiness of repetition, and for the lack of a deeper world. It has always allowed me to truly reflect and ponder, almost the only time when I search inside myself and display my heartbeat without being obliged to demonstrate some other.

Every few months I take a peak back and review my life written on a website by me, about me. Everytime, I realize the importance and significance it has for me. What a journey, and it will continue. Happy 4 yrs!

Stumbling into a bookstore along Av. Corrientes

At night, with the bright lights shining from the famous theatres, Corrientes is a galore of sightseeing, its wide avenue giving you ample space to mull and get lost in your own thoughts.

Yet the one thing that I love most about Corrientes other than the perfectly symmetrical view of the obelisk you get when crossing the road, is that littered along the street are its famous old and dusty bookstores. Walking to meet my friend and a friend of hers for our vegetarian dinner last night, I found myself unwittingly drawn to these numerous old bookstores along the avenue, all oozing with the musty yet alluring smell of good second-hand books waiting for an owner to claim them.

The bookstores make you feel like you’re in a completely different world, and with the towering bookshelves full of treasure and knowledge, it’s hard not to feel like a child in a large candy kingdom. There usually aren’t many English books, but there are plenty of old Glamour or design magazines from the 1990s, and it is common to find yellowed Mafalda comic books or a collection of newspaper articles from a particularly weird year, like 1978 for example.

I wanted to encounter a book in Spanish that was relatively easy to read yet interesting enough, not some 5-year old kid storybook talking about birds and trees. Guess what I found for a ridiculously cheap pricetag of 20 pesos? I found a book about beauty queens and make-up tips, all in good quality, full-colour pages! It was the perfect thing to read and learn Spanish! Without any hesitation of course, and at the risk of looking like a empty-headed bimbo, I bought it.

Now time to enjoy some bimbo-ness this upcoming long weekend!

: )

More visitors in town…soon!

My mum called last night, on my phone… and lo and behold, it was not just the regular “How are you?” call, but more like “Aunty & Uncle will be in BA next month, tell me if there are any things you want them to bring over for you!”

This reminded me of the last time i prepared of list of items for my mum to bring over for me when my parents and siblings visited at end July. Now that I look back, its been almost 4 months since they left (also the same amount of time since I started working here). Amazing how the year does a little tumble and carries you in its cartwheel and before you get over the giddiness and random rollabouts, you reached the end of the period you kept thinking had just begun.

My aunt and uncle are going to be here with a tour group covering Brazil, Argentina maybe some other parts of Latin America. And this week and next, Jace will be here in Buenos for her holiday, as well as to attend her good friends’ wedding party. Sin yee’s friend is also in town taking a break from work… and lo and behold, suddenly you think it might make some sense for the Singapore Ministry of Foreign Affairs to establish an embassy here! (And of cos for the Argentines to do the same in Singapore! This will save people the trouble of having to travel all the way to Jakarta to get a visa done!)

Am excited about their visits, as I always am about any other visitors. And with the Christmas festive season coming round the corner… I am dreaming of Christmas trees with beautiful decorations and brilliant stars, with the bottom of the trees crammed with quaint little presents.

I can’t wait! I love the end of the year

Home, on the other side of the world..

No matter how much I enjoy being overseas, in a different environment, meeting a thousand different people, home is still always close to my heart. Although sometimes I dont seem to show it, and I don’t call home so often, I think about home almost everyday.

I miss coming home to my own room, with the tall high wooden roof, and the swaying palm trees towering outside my balcony. I miss the smell of fresh sheets and the flower-patterned bedspread and comforter, that I wrap around myself whenver the aircon gets too cold. I miss the large spacious cupboard I had to put all my overflowing clothes (that I can’t seem to stop collecting) and I miss the personal room space I had all to myself.

I miss the first floor of my house, and the outdoor seats in the patio, where I would sit and eat my lunch before browsing through the newspapers or a novel before dozing off in the warm afternoon breeze, the sounds of the fountain a background lullaby. I miss how I would smell the fresh garden scents after a shower of rain, bringing my sense of smell to a heightened ascent.

I miss having my family close by, even if we did not do many things together. Just knowing Valerie is on the same floor and that Ron and my parents are downstairs is such a nice feeling, espeically now that they are 30 hours by plane away. I miss little things like driving Ron to his Tengah Air Base, althougth I would complain the entire journey there, but it was still fun, and the memories of us trying to figure out how to stop the back wiper from workng is just as hilarious today as it ever was.

Then I also yearn for things as insignificant as food. Things I never thought I would miss as much as I do now, such as chilli, the peanuts that go with the chilli in those fancy Chinese restaurants like Tung Lok, and the steamed fish, and chilli crab, and cereal covered prawns, and all kinds of chinese herbal soups. The thought of hawker dishes like black and white carrot cake, chicken rice, fried kway teow makes me salivate, and it is difficult knowing I have to wait a few months before I can eat them again. I miss the random walks to Siglap, heading to Pasta Fresca or Megumi with Ron and Val, and then starbucks at some odd hour of the night. I miss Chinese New Year and its goodies, and the festivities that come along as well.

I miss chilling out with my friends and cousins, and aunties, going to Sunday service with them, and then feasting at Taka’s Crystal Jade Palace with dim sum in abundance. I miss riding the bike in East Coast, smelling the salty sea breeze blowing in my hair as I marvel at the horizon and see the night lights come alive. I miss the long chats with Jinhua and Syl, in their mazda 6s, one black and one white. I miss those long telephone calls with them, in the middle of the night, knowing they are near.

I miss home, and the things taht makes Singapore home. The people most importantly, and I can’t wait to see them again.

Friendship…. you find it in the weirdest corners

A long time ago, I used to think that as you grow older, and graduate from student to working adult, your pool of friends can only start to diminish, until is turns from a large ripple into a almost invisible drop of water.

But I realized that friendship is an incredibly amazing phenomenon – you find it when you least expect it; and you never know with whom you’re going to develop a friendship that defies time, distance and cultural differences. I’m a pretty sociable person, but I don’t get out and party too much – in order words, I make friends when doing the most normal things (like attending Spanish classes, at work, or simply by the rare opportunity of chance).

I’ve lived a pretty international life in the last 3 years, and following that lifestyle of travelling because of work, vacation and simply school, I’ve met people who inspire, have passion for things that you might never have imagined, and people who are really just rare jewels of kindness, goodness and love. In SCB, when we travelled to Chennai, India, for our 3-week long rotation, I got to know Feyi really well, despite her being my first African friend from Nigeria; despite the fact that I used to think blacks look fierce and a little too aggressive for my liking; and despite the fact that we rarely kept in touch before that. The last time I saw her was almost a year ago, but the beautiful character that she has made me always remember the strength of a person who had the courage to admit her mistakes and accept that she had done wrong; that she dared to ask for forgiveness, and know what was important to her. I admire her motivation and faith in wanting to be Nigeria’s next finance minister – an extremely ambitious ideal for any person just starting out. I appreciated her absolutely honest sincerity that made me slightly startled at the raw intensity of it all. But it was true, that in India, a place which left so many memories and invoked so many emotions, I found a true friend.

At work in SCB, back home in Singapore, I also made friends over time, with random people – colleagues on the floor, the secretaries and generally anyone who made the effort to chat for those few more minutes outside of work. There are some people that I really appreciate for making the first few months in a completely new office so much easier, and because of that, I am always grateful. From them I learnt the most important rules to stick by in the game of office politics, but also that work mates can be fun to hang out with; that it was crucial in whom you place your trust and confidence, because there were so many others who are ready to backstab you the minute they require to.

Then I came to Argentina and lo and behold, never did I expect to see another Singaporean so soon after leaving my homeland! Jace was here for the first month I was here – working of course, but we met up a couple of times and still keep in contact once in a while. And then SY, who I met because of our mutual friend – who has interesting ideas and a pretty crazy life – who I probably would not have met if we both remained in Singapore – and who constantly amazes me! She defies many social norms and expectations of Singapore lawyers, and it is refreshing while also quite hard to believe.

But of course, the friends that you’ve had since a thousand years ago and still keep in close contact are a rarity that always make me smile. I remember going for Mrs Chua’s tuition classes on Saturdays when I was in primary school; but first going to JH’s house for a yummilicious bee hoon lunch with her granny’s famous chilli. It was from those routine saturdays that we developed our friendship, which later led to yearly sleepovers (where we had to set the alarm at 12 am to have our midnight feast), then pen pal letters as we changed schools, but over time and difference in schools, we always stayed close, even though, I in Argentina, and she in Singapore, but going to London for her law exchange in just 2 days!

And Syl, who really helped me through a thousand things – crying in the middle of the night, driving over to see if I was ok, dinner at Pasta Fresca, shopping on random occasions, late night chats on the phone, and sleepovers. SMU was largely made up of the girls – and syl was one of those that really defined SMU life. Then there is Suzy, who by chance I met at Sports Camp in Uni year one, but only 2 years later got to know her better after our internship at Bloomberg. We don’t talk so often but when we do it’s always such a wonderful thing – and I can’t wait to see her little girl when she arrives! And Joyceee, who is going to get married next year – it’s amazing to see their lives bloom like that; some people are extraordinary and you know it’s such an honour to be part of their evolution.

There are also so many more that I have yet to write about, but it doesn’t mean their friendship isn’t worth mentioning. There are too many who have touched and impacted my lives, in littles ways and then big ones too. But most importantly I know at last that my hypothesis is no longer valid.

Your circle of friends will only get wider and wider – but that also depends on you.