No reservations

Watching her cry, I feel the weight of her family on her shoulders. A daughter’s anguish from watching her mother’s pain, manifested in a body connected to countless tubes in the Intensive Care Unit.

“Love one another,” she says, because you never know when they will not be there anymore. It is true, so true, and in a flashback of what happened two years ago, I remember so vividly the fear of not being able to say the things we have always felt but kept in our hearts, the traumatic thoughts of not having the chance to see those you love before they fall into unconsciousness, the fact the they do not have the knowledge that you love them so. Suddenly, the importance of work crumbles in the face of such adversity, worries about other people’s impressions and a façade to upkeep seem ridiculously silly, and all you hope for is to be able to hold their hands and tell them you love them.

Each week passes by, an oblivious rollercoaster ride of deadlines that fade into nothingness. Some days you look back at the past few months and wonder what happened during that period of time; the days seemed to have started and ended without any meaningful memories created in between. We spend hours hunched at our desk in the office, worrying about the wording of an email, which may not even be looked at for more than 10 seconds, and we stress over the promotion that might skip us by. Home becomes just a place for bed and breakfast and we don’t even realize how much has changed in the life of our loved ones. We count the pennies but miss the big bucks; we fight many wars and win them, but we lose the battle. Myopia seems to have overtaken many of us, literally and metaphorically, and short-sightedness has led to many forgetting the most important bigger picture of life, the things that matter more than those that don’t.

A conversation at the Cheesecake café with a great friend of mine kept me thinking, a thread of thoughts started not only recently. Decisions we make on a daily basis, based out of fear? Or boldness to try something new, just because we desire to? A year off work seems like a huge decision to make, just to pursue a dream, or longing, when that is the same amount of time since the start of my working life. Yet experience for me enlarges the spectrum of my understanding, makes me rooted but gives me the power to believe, and shorter-term gains diminish in light of these. Encouragement from friends who have always chased their dreams, persistent in their beliefs as well as mine, that makes me feel so much lighter.

It’s like that with so many things. Planning is great, it helps you have an idea of where you want to go; but the magic is in the boldness, of creation of doing, and of trying even if you don’t know if you might succeed. Baby steps make the journey, and building a foundation in our relationships doesn’t take place overnight on occasional birthday parties; the pretty card in the mail once every half a year doesn’t suffice if you want to be a part of their lives as much as they are a part of yours. I realize that making the effort consistently, not only when you feel like it, nor only when things crop up, is what builds the unshakable base which holds us even as we shake.

Tell them you love them, say it as often as you feel the need and want to, do it unabashedly, boldly, without reservation. Get up and do things you want to do, now, not tomorrow, not next year. Don’t hesitate anymore. In Nike’s famous household slogan – Just do it.

And the church bells chime…

Yes I was right. I heard wedding bells far off in the distance, but Thursday’s dinner confirmed their upcoming arrival. In a matter of hours, we heard, we laughed and hugged, we cried. The first among the whole group of us to announce the beautiful union between a man and wife, the first to smile so joyously, the first to leave as well.

A glance at my diary reminded me that the last we had a heart to heart chat about such issues was 2 months past, and now, a beautiful beaming bride-to-be about to begin her life in another place, as the same yet another woman, with her prince, the love of her life. In little more than a month, we will be seeing her off, till her wedding next year where we will once again reunite, ties unbroken, tears ready to flow at the once-in-a-lifetime ceremony.

It didnt dawn on me the huge significance of her announcement, till our trip to the city the following day, among the goals we had, one of which was to check out wedding bands. WEDDING BANDS. Gosh, walking in Cartier, Tiffany & Co. and Bvlgari was a first. Seeing all the eternity rings and brochures and blindingly blinking rings meant to declare undying love all at once was an even greater first. Throughout our forray into the stores and our very pleasant journey making conversation with the attendants, I was filled with so much excitement for the bride-to-be, all suddenly in full explosion since the build up from Wednesday’s email.

Its the second time this year I had the privilege of having a friend share her happiness with me, and trust me, no matter how divorce rates seem to drag the name of marriage down, nothing can beat the look and glow on their faces– It is their time, their life, and their love.

One year ago;

Sometimes digging around the archives and reading past writings surprise me. This date exactly a year ago, I poured to keyboard and mouse the inner yearnings of my soul’s desire for a need to live life fuller, love more, be less superficial. One year later, I know I still have a long way to go, but reading Bending Time Backwards certainly made me think, again.

Las Pequenos Cosas

It’s the little things I start to realise,
that define the word we sometimes cannot conceptualize
The pen on the table, put away without a second thought;
Scanned documents sent via email;
acknowledged merely with a hasty ‘thanks’
Its the increase in the account;
And the breakfast of pancakes with dulce de leche.

The call in the morning to wake me up
A question, an application
The extended trip, the greater insurance
The walk to the money changer
The smile when seeing me
Hugs and prayers each morning for my safety
It’s the little things, that shout out your steadfast unwavering conviction.

TE QUIERO Mama

La medida del amor..es amar sin medida.

De abuela de Juan. Esto es verdadera.

The measure of love is love without measure.

I write as I am

It’s suffice to say my years on earth has earned me the right to say that I’ve seen a fair share of personalities, people, circumstances, and experienced a relatively substantial amount of emotions, feelings and passions that have shaped my being as it is now. In thought, in presence, in creation.

A little earlier perhaps, I might be more brash and brazen in my harshness in advocating feelings and opinionated bursts of speech. A little younger and you might be presented with a girl overly engaged in her cotton candy wispsy dreams, thinking her actions could change the world when all she did was sit by her window watching the clouds form lollipop swirls, imagining, with an earnest zest so sincere yet not enough to leave the footprint she yearned for.

A little later, and yes there will be more memories and experiences embedded within the core of my being. You might see a woman with a smile patented by unique laughter lines, a little older and wiser from thinking much more, a little more mature. Life, family and friends and love, still the essence of her soul.

Yet it is now, today, not yesterday nor tomorrow as whom I write right now, a woman emerging from her shell, contemplating her transition from one beautiful phase to another holding much more promises and hinting of destiny. After a dry spell in which I created nothing to share, I had to look beyond just me, and stare further, squinting till I see the sunrise in the horizon. No more the waves so near that hold me down with terror; nor the tiny ripples that barely seem to portray any cause. Lately I felt God speaking to me once more, no reprimands, no brutal scoldings, just pure embrace of affirmation that I had missed for too long a time. He spoke only once, but so clearly: GRATITUDE.

So many things I had taken for granted, people who I loved dearly and gave up so much for me so willingly; the ability to move forth and dare to grasp what never would have seemed possible just a little while ago; my circumstances; my family, my friends, my gifts and talents, my heart for people. I look around and everything my eyes lay upon I hear these words “Count your blessings”. Every year of my life I take a lesson away; the last one year, I was blessed to take away more than one.

I learnt how much my family loves me. The importance of family struck a chord in the strings of my heart, and enfolding every moment I saw the trust, the belief, the unconditional love, the unspoken words that I had been searching for for a large part of my teenage life. It took a unmeasurable amount of time to realise it, but my smile, my joy and my boldness to freefall was built upon the thick solid foundation that my family would hold me and break my fall. I know that because I have seen first hand the bond that binds us like a nest interwoven through years of patience and forgiveness. Love that I thought I had to earn was freely bestowed upon me when I need it the most, understanding and a freer flow of communication followed easily. An injustice I had harboured for many years dissolving through tears of fear that were later replaced by reassurances of confidence and warmth.

I learnt the importance of mutual respect; how to hold another person, especially someone you love, with the fabric called trust laced with the glue of basic admiration and belief that the other would do his or her best for the good of you. The cruciality of appreciation and the show of it; is the starch that gives dao suan its viscousity, the bonds between water molecules that lead up to the phenomenon called surface tension and the netting which guarantees to catch a gymnast walking on tight rope. Without this human glue, no relationship can last, or withstand the tests of time or distance. Each human has a need for respect and trust, and without either, there’s very little rock to stand on.

I learnt the importance of “Carpe Diem“. Seizing the day and making the most of the moment, since as all the wise sages say, time is short and once passed is never to return again.  Passion never stood out more for me than now; and it is also now that I understand how each day I choose to smile or cry, laugh or sigh cannot be reversed, and if so, why be sad? The only way to fight time is to be as happy as you can. No day’s worth is insignificant enough to say I’ll do it tomorrow. Now if I want to write a postcard, I write it, if I want to call and say Hello, How are you? I pick up the receiver; no longer concerned about the abruptness of the urge to wish, nor about the surprised response of the receiver.

All these lessons, I cradle in the core of my heart; my memories impounding with these principles each time they are invoked. In the future there will be more I am sure, lessons for life and all the better shared. Now I write as I am, grateful, for all that has shaped me and allowed me to be the way I am. GRATITUDE, as He reminded me, is the cornerstone of contentment. And so God, once again I lift all surrounding me into your hands, for You to take care of them as only You can. Muchas gracias.

Discovery

Staring out of the window

Into the cloudy skies above the ledge

I think and pause, the anxiety coming into waves of peace.

A stretch of road I see before me, long and still.

I’m running, jogging slowly at first, then faster faster faster

I find myself running straight into the Judea desert again

A sight that’s always been with me since I first stepped into Israel 4 years ago.

 

I’m walking through the sand dunes, dust covering my bare feet

Sifting through my toes as I tread carefully, trying to grip the sand for fear of falling.

 

I had been looking down, my eyes downcast and overshadowed

By the dust that flicks in my hair, swirling in the wind.

I lift my eyes to the skies, and

For one moment, a really long moment, my heart is caught in my throat; I clench my fists and I gasp in awe

The view that just spread itself out before me had caught me completely unaware,

Swept me off my blistered feet, and for that long pause,

I forget the weariness that I had been carrying with me

I lay it down, like a bag of stones I had been dragging along unknowingly

 

Right above me is a long flow of dark, so dark that it’s gleaming and shining so bright it stings my eyes

I find myself trying to tear away from the magnetic pull of the unraveled velvet sky, and realize that it is impossible.

I search the dark, and then, as my eyes adjust to its glow,

What I see touches my heart so much I cry.

 

I thought I was alone, then I saw a flicker.

Then another glimmer, then another spark that I didn’t see before.

Shiny metal and diamonds start making their guest appearances.

 

I am caught off guard, wide-eyed, stunned.

All my worries and my burdens suddenly seemed miniscule,

Upon the scale of heavens that had been suddenly and so majestically laid before me for my appreciation.

 

I see the world like never before. My eyes are opened to the possibilities there are, the much life that I had never noticed prior to that, prior to the time of being downcast and focusing on myself.

 

I find myself suddenly lifted like in Physics, because the pressure from below is so much stronger than the pressure from above. I am pushed upwards and I am soaring beyond my highest imagination.

I feel lighter, like helium, shooting past the sand dunes, looking down at the desert, my solace. I can’t stop flying; I can’t even if I tried. And I stop trying to stop, and let the wind keep me afloat, where I know I’ve found my peace.

 

Mannheim, Germany. 061207

 

Everything in its time

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
And a tiem to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;

A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;

A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;

A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

– Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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